Insomniac

***I did not write this while intoxicated, I have only had 5 hours or so of sleep over the past few days***
I seem to be going through a sleepless phase. Its not that I can't sleep, I can, just not at the proper time. Ill fall asleep at night wake up around 2 or 3 after the xani wears off (its ok its prescribed) and then not be able to fall back asleep until 11 am or so. On the plus side I have not only learned about both Daniel Boone and David "Davy" Crockett, each a 2 hour documentary, but also watched some priceless (ok, not normal priceless, more like the 3 easy installments of $29.95 and if you order in the next hour you get the second set of knives and the sharpener absolutely free! kind of priceless) infomercials. I'm talking classics like the Magic Bullet, knives, and then the more unusual ones that come on REALLY late . For instance some frightening girdle suit that skinnys down a woman from a 59" waist to a 51" waist just by putting it on- thats 8 whole inches people. And the cheapest made and by far most hilarious was the half hour attempt to sell a book that some "Doctor" wrote organic ways to get rid of backyard pests. The man had a plastic spider pinned to his shoulder and was using stuffed animals (the kind you give to children) and tacky lawn orniments to make his point. None matched or followed any pattern, nor were they near the right size (Well unless you live on Three Mile Island, then you might be dealing with a 12 inch tall chipmunk problem in your yard) but it just added to the enjoyable absurdity of the segment. Wish me luck on a good night's sleep, I'm starting to get loopy.

"We'll only be needing one menu, he isn't eating, he's stuffed"- Said the man with the coonskin hat. I've found, however that alot of pictures make it look less like a hat and more like some massive rodent jumped on Davy's head fanged him in the forehead and wouldn't let go. But since he's the King of the Wild Frontier he played it off like the he had killed the little fucker and made it into a neat cap with a tail. I bet that after becoming numb to the varmint fang pain in his forehead they probably became friends. I NEED SLEEP.

Yo Ho Ho

Well, it looks like I will be tan in January! Colin invited me to go down to Key Largo where his Dad, stepmom and adorable sister Katie live for Christmas and New Years. They just built a very large new house next to the ocean, and we get to go! He goes every year to some exotic locale for New Years with all of his guy friends. Interestingly, I've been invited this year. I'm glad too because Michigan sucks in the winter. I believe the tentative plan is partying it up on Duval Street for the New Year. I've been to Key West before, and Key Largo for that matter, on vacation with my parents, but this is going to be different, especially in Key West. You candrink on the street, bars don't close at 2, and its such a flamboyant place (The picture above is Sloppy Joe's on Duval Street New Years Celebration last year). I'm definately excited. Plus I'll get to see some friends I have not seen in ages. I'm crossing my fingers hoping the follow through will be as enthusiastic as the invitation.

I had a wonderful time in France last year, don't get me wrong. There are no two people I'd rather be in a foriegn country with than Collin and Ange. However, this year will be hot, and sunny, and I'll actually understand what people are saying. I'm very fluent in English, not so much in French, so when I sprain my ankle this year, I'll be able to talk to the doctor without Angela translating for me. Which is a good thing, since she'll be living in New York by then and therefore won't be in Florida. She'll have to watch out for muggers and snow whereas my only worry will be pirates!
Ideally the pirate above, not below

Hello Old Friend

The other day I was driving down Birchwood and who did I see but, Tippy, the black squirel with a white turft on his tail. He used to frequent my backard but he seems to have migrated to Forrest Hills. I hope he's having fun- there are alot of trees and nuts there. Although I had not seen hin in at least 3 years, does anyone know how long squirels live? He seems like an exeption in the age categogy...

Who would have guessed

Roughly two years and four months ago I met the love of my life. Who ever would have guessed I would be so commited, in such a long term relationship, when I was in say, high school. This makes any relationship I've ever had before this look like a blip on the computer screen of my life. The loveliest part is that there are no signs of this ending. I wish I could go back to my 5th through 12th grade selves and tell me the idiot boys, unrequited crushes, terrible shyness, crappy dates, and broken hearts would indeed pay off and I would get the hot, cool, sweet, amazing, perfect boyfriend I so badly wanted.

Finally!

My mood has been boosted immensely today. Not only did I get cure all allergy shot, my leg is better, but, for the first time since JULY I went shopping! Yay for new cute shirts, tanks, thongs, and some very nice fitting jeans (the kind Colin loves). Also hoorah for cloudy days! I love fall sprinkles and, dare I say it "football weather"- I was flooded with memories walking outside this morning. Only downside is I'm missing like 3 bras, they are nowhere to be found. Do you have any of them?

This may surprise you

Music is not a big part of my life. Since the laptop I use for downloading songs is out of commission, I don't get any new stolen music for my Mp3 player (You hear that? an Mp3 player not a sell out ipod). I also am afraid of commitment so buying cd's is out of the question. And finally, the only radio station that doesn't suck is 90.5. Yes thats classical and NPR. I do seem to be taking in alot of twangy Johnny Cash-esque music at the Co-op, natch.

Collection of Uncollected Thoughts

After a fiercely rough day plagued by some serious panic/anxiety, I finally feel ok. Heavily medicated, but definately better. I hate days like this because not only are they incredibly uncomfortable, I also lose a day. Not that my days are all that busy right now, I'm sort of waiting for these appointments I have coming up over the next several weeks. Too bad the most important one is not until October 6th. Im'm ready for Septmenber to end so I can get my mind in some sort of order. It is nice to know most people are medicated, and the lucky ones have a regime that works.

I've been spending a fair amount of time at the co-op and I'm not minding it too much. The guys who live there are pretty cool for the most part. Plus Colin's room is SLOWLY coming together, but now we at least have a private place to sleep and hang out. And, upon closer inspection, its not quite as dirty as I had originally thought. Although I think it was probably good I missed the plumbing "disaster" that occured just days ago. Also, some props for Colin's brother, who is not, as some have been thinking for quite some time, asexual. In fact I think something about that Beal house makes people horny. Well at least thats been my experience so far. Things seem to be progressing in a much more functional fashion than over the summer, in so many aspects of my life.

I'm also in the market for a job, although, I'm pretty sure I can use my connections (Haha, lets be honest, my Dad) and get some office employment. One step closer to 2900 Place.

Colin is still being such a humanitarian, and keeping in touch with the mother and daughter he helped out the other day. I've found out from my Dad the best way to get Medicaid (No its not just for grandma and grandpa like many think) set up for the family. The family, which, the as the daughter just found out, will be increasing by 1 in about 8 months. As backwards as it sounds this now makes her the "right" kind of poor person, and she will be elidgable for full medical coverage. The "wrong" kind of poor person, would be, for example, an able bodied 30 year old man who could be employed but is not. Its a flawed system, as anyone who is trying to revamp the program, but theres not enough money, and too many poor people. In any case, this family is now elidgable, and provided for.

I'm praying that both my parents leave this weekend because I want to have a drink, cook, and watch a movie or two, and I'd like to have some people over to catch up.

On another note, I'm going shopping tomorrow and dropping cash. I'm thinking jeans, shoes/boots, and some shirts too. Yay! I've missed shopping quite alot, but now I can walk (well I'm thinking its ok, and the brace broke, it now has protruding metal edges- painful). And if I can walk that means I can go out, I'm hoping to get to the OC with Meghan within a week or so. I miss that place.

I also feel like making a list of things I would hate to live without, so here it goes:

Target, The Mall, Colin, My friends, Milo, skim milk, nice vodka, naps, sleeping in, sex, highlights, the internet, cheddar chex mix, chick movies, parliments, cuddling, Gracie, Marley's getting there, my phone, a camera, my Jeep, My family, turtlenecks, books that don't suck, my necklace, my skinny mirror, those of you who have looked in it rave about it, color, my opinions, showers, the hope of getting my own place next semester. There are so many more, but I just wanted to name a few.

I could live with out:
George W Bush, conservative influence in my life, pro-lifers- my body my choice, not being able to say no to a Burger King crossanwich, that nasty fast food place down south that sells miniature food and makes me throw up, the dents in my Jeep, most foods, preconcieved notions of what sucess is or the right way to live ones life, tofu, fat on meat, tapered leg pants, wet seal, sheets that don't properly fit a bed, and pennies.

All is well

What a lovely weekend. I felt like a real college student, which is ironic, because I'm not one. It was like stepping back in time. On Friday, instead of going to the Beal co-op party, I ended up hanging out with Angela at Americana for a little while, where I bonged my first beer. It was hard. Then we went back to Tim and Dave's apartment with a box of wine. Although going back there required about a mile walk. With a still broken leg. Uncool. Angela got distracted and didnt make it back to the apt until later so Tim Dave and I just chilled and joked around for hours. I had so much fun, its nice to hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while. It reminded me I need to do that more. Last night was fun too, I hung out with Colin then we went to the Montie co-op for a party, which was pretty fun, although the cops came so we left. I guess someone assulted someone else's car and there was a "disturbance". Then this morning Colin and I goofed around in his room for a few hours. All in all a really awesome weekend.

On another note, my boyfriend is a saint. He was grocery shopping and on his way out, was approached by a mother and her daughter, who were asking for a ride back to the residence in. They had asked about 10 people before him and no one would give them one. He agreed even before they had a chance to explain that they were from New Orleans and that the red cross had put them up at the Residence Inn. He helped them carry in their groceries, and they invited him in for a beer as a thankyou. Apprently they ended up talking for about 3 hours. I guess his presence just brought a little bit of normalcy to this family, who have nothing more than a cement slab left as their home. They thanked him so much an assured him that this was the best thing that had happened for them since the hurricane, and that he would be rewarded later in life for it. It made me feel good to know that Colin is so kind. You can really love someone with such a good heart.

I don't like

Co-op parties. You know, I'm not a big fan of large parties with lots of people I don't know either. Actually they are one and the same. I also don't like the disturbing trend of talking babies in commercials. Babies dont talk, its part of their charm. Quizno's, huggies, I'm looking in your direction. Baby girls don't say or think "you go girl" and baby boys don't have sex drives or like Italian supermodels. Bottom line, too many people in one place is not only a fire hazard, but make for an uncomfortable situation in my book, I like my space. Other bottom line: Babies don't talk, especially not with adult voices exclaiming worn out cliche's to others.

It was nice to not feel obligated to have to go tonight. Especially b/c I have been walkign aorund on a still very weak leg a ton today, and I have a sinus headache since it won't just freaking rain already.

I don't like how they are calling victims of this hurricane "Them". We're all human, and it is, I like to think, human nature to assist those in need, whether they are rich or poor or both, black white or anywhere in between, gay straight bi or transgendered, handicapped or able bodied, educated or illiterate. While this hurricane has finally brought much needed attention to the ecinomic conditions that plague so many African Americans in the south, but to label and group "poor southern blacks" as "them" is a major step backwards in our society.

Ambition and Fornication

I've found that if I actually apply myself, even in times of great stress and high pollen counts, I can get somethings done. In the past 3 days I've unenrolled, straightened out some personal issues that were riding heavily on my mind, and made many many phone calls. As of tomorrow I'll have a plan nailed down, and a new shrink (unfortunately mine is moving away). And I can finally switch up meds- which I really should have done a month ago- it would have made the last few weeks much easier. If you've been talking to me you know I've been awfully off the wall as of late. However, I have come to so many conclusions, which, had I not been so emotionally vulnerable I probably would not have come to any of them.

On another note, in honor of Colin getting his own room in the Beal Co-op, (moving in starts today, commences Monday-ish) I came up with a list of my favorite euphemisms for sex. Kate P I think you'll apreciate the first one.

-Boning
-Doing it
-Banging
-Doing the Deed
-Hit it
-Knock around
-Carnal moment
-Slippin/Slidin it in
-Porking
-Hot beef injection (I would like to thank CPD for that special one)

It surprises me that I cannot come up with more that I can't come up with more that I actually say. Please feel free to add to my list, unlike some people, it could stand to be bigger. Haha I'm such a pervert.

16 minutes.....

The boat at the mooring next to our sailboat, it looks an awful lot like ours

......into the day that starts the next phase of my life. New school plan, new career plan (I should say a career plan, rather). Parking spaces, and no spanish for me, ever. I will take even more steps to feel better and beat anxiety and the ever-present depression. I'll be letting go of the obnoxious stereo-types and warped expectations that were drilled into my brain everyday of my life. Want to make something of all this? Go right ahead, judge me if you want, it only makes you the smaller person. It really is time for me to start liking waking up.


Too bad this can't all happen in one day, it can only begin.

A little concerned about the state of the nation

I have a hard time believeing in a higher being at the moment. Its not a big shocker that I'm not religious, but, as I may have mentioned, there has to something more. However, between having an idiot in the oval office, who was ON VACATION for a month when one of the worst natural disasters to stikw America took place. And, after putting FEMA under the control of Homeland security, the response to this tremendous hurricane (which was not unexpected or a surprise by any means) was unacceptable, an embarassment. Early evacutation was a wonderful option, and a good choice. But 24% of people in New Orleans alone are below the poverty level, 80% are black, and less than half have cars. How could these people evacuate? A major racial divide, and in my opinion should be a major wake up call about the racial inequality still present in our country. Accomodations could have been made for the less fortunate to be evacuated. If only our government was less conncerned with terrorism, which is a valid concern, but not as urgent as, say the 12 hurricanes and tropical storms that nail our country every year. If we were truly prepared, and homeland security would be something more than a wet dream for war mongers.

Then Chief fucking Justice William Rhenquist or how ever you spell it, dies and now theres not only an opening for a justice on the supreme court, but for the Chief justice as well. And who gets to pick them, George W. Bush. I'm looking foreward to an uber-conservative Supreme Court. Lets overturn Roe vs. Wade, conservatives have been itching for years to take that right away from women. I understand abortion is a very contraversial issue, but I have known several people who made a long well thought out painful decision to terminate a pregnancy, and it was not a flip decision. If you cannot guarentee that you will give your child the best possible life until you die, you are not ready to bring another human into the world. However, if I were to find myself pregnant now, I would have to have the baby. I say that more because my odds of being able to have kids decreases every year, not b/c it would be the right time or anything. That was a tangent.

So I'm feeling like, if anything good at all can come of misused government funds, refugees in my own country, delayed rescue efforts, 40% of our national freaking guard in Iraq instead of helping our own nation, a war we shouldn't be in, a conservative moron picking two of the most important people in our country, then the only thing good it that it takes my mind off of my own messed up mind, but I'll have to talk to my psychiatrist about that one. I want my mind to feel normal, not just a little better. Although I am fortunate, and I have a new begining ahead of me.

If you know me

Then you know about once every 6 months to 1 year, i lose it, completely. Waterworks, erratic behavior, all around unstable. ALot of young men I have dated have tried to help me through those times, which I appreciate. But they never quite said the right thing. For the first time in the 8 years + I have been coping with this someone, who I thought shit was going down hill with (my perspective on reality becomes very warped, I want to yell at parents of children I want to kick-- an usually I'm a NICE PERSON) BUt finally, being with someone who is going through alot of what I'm going through, hell thats why COlin and I do work. I just felt so hopeless. And I heard the best thing over the phone today, the very right thing I needed to hear: Its alright, we'll get through it together. I will be there any way I can for you, and you will do the same for me.

I was finally able to exhale. Not without tears, but I have made a really big life choice I'm not ready to talk about, and when I thought we might be over, after being SO depressed this past week, I heard the most reassuring incredible thing I could possibly hear.

We really are meant to be. Right now anyway. I needed someone to save me like that. I'm making some changes many will judge and look down upon, but I cannot wake up everyday to, the sun that says each morning, "Fuck you Sandra, hope you enjoy another pointless day at a university you fucking hate. Now heres slap in the face, get up and going, class at 12:40 you fucking itdiot" yea keep up the pain. Right, I have a new plan. I'll let you in on it when I am comfortable with my future, damn okemos for jading me, along with my own imbalanced mind.